Friday, May 17, 2013
Yesterday would have been my Father's 68th birthday. It is still such a loneliness without him here. In speaking with one of my sisters last weekend, I was told that different items from my Dad's home, that have been in his possession for years, are being sold over the internet or at pawn shops to the highest bidder. These are items that were given away in good faith. My Father did not have much of anything to his name, so the few things he had meant a lot to him. I cannot express how utterly saddened this makes me and to keep from completely losing it, I have to continually remind myself that there is absolutely no way I can protect everything he had. For myself, I kept a few mementos that I know meant a lot to him and I will always cherish them. It's just incomprehensible how people can be so disrespectful and heartless.
Friday, April 26, 2013
I'd like to paint again. I miss it. Hopefully, I'll find my spark again soon...
Monday, February 25, 2013
After Daddy passed, I had a moment alone with him in his room. Through the tears, I asked him to come and visit me at my house and to do something that would let me know he was there. Since he's been gone, it hasn't really felt like he's left and I like to think it's because he's doing what I asked by staying close to me. I looked forward to having him visit in my dreams so that he could let me know he's okay and I could get some peace about his passing, but when I finally did have a dream of him (Sunday morning), I couldn't hear what he was saying because his voice was still hoarse the way it was in the hospital. When I was awoken, I was a little saddened not being able to communicate with him, but I do recall that his expression was that of happiness.
I miss you, Daddy. Please come visit me again.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
It feels like I'm not grieving at all. I should be crying more and wallowing in self pity. I should be angry and questioning everything. I should be numb. I'm none of those things. I'm kind of lost. Maybe I'm in denial that my Daddy is truly gone. Maybe it hasn't hit me yet. Maybe there's going to be a time when I'm going to notice that it's been a long time since I've seen him and get ready to leave and only then realize that he won't be at his house when I get there. Sometimes I start thinking about my Dad and I begin to cry but then I distract myself with laughter or cleaning or calling someone on the phone. I don't like thinking that he's passed. Maybe I'm just in the denial stage. It's such a weird situation to be in when you feel like you're not feeling what you're supposed to. I miss my Daddy. I know that he's gone. I realize that. But it still doesn't feel like he's really gone.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
I thought I was semi-prepared for the death of my Daddy and even now, I
have moments where I feel like I've already adjusted to it. With the
task of getting all of his affairs in order, I'm distracted from the
fact that he's really gone. I suppose in handling his things and talking
about him often, it feels like he's just off somewhere resting and I'll
be seeing him again soon. But then, I'm walking out of the funeral
home carrying what's left of him in a box... I'm holding the ashes of my
Father, in the pouring down rain, trying my best not to drop him,
trying my best not to absolutely break down before I can get to the
truck, and I then the reality of it hits me. I will not see my Daddy
again in this life, and there's absolutely no explanation for how
utterly empty my heart feels in regards to that knowledge.
I will miss him forever.
Monday, November 19, 2012
your letter was entirely too dramatic. your not "allowed" to forward documents? really? apparently, you're "allowed" to open an envelope not addressed to you, though. get over yourself and your stupid bar coded envelope. it's not the end of the world. plus, if you want to get completely technical about it, i used my own stamp, thus, your company did not lose any money, so cry me a river.
and i'm so sad, like a good book i can't put this day back
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
It can't be said enough. I'm genuinely sorry. I knew that I had one over on you and yet, I pretended to play dumb about it. You were right. I was like a vicious heartless snake who only cared about my ego. I was too wrapped up in my own insecurity and craved the attention I received that I accepted it even when I was fully aware that it would be at your expense. There is nothing I can do to reverse my actions, only to make better choices in the future. I am truly lucky considering I have been where you are but was dealt a better hand of cards. Sometimes I struggle with guilt over it, while other times, I continue to try to excuse it. I know that I would never revisit the same scenario and it is my hope that somehow, you've been kinder than me and have found it in your heart to offer forgiveness. I don't want my waywardness to be your last impression because that is truly not who I am.
if i don't say this now, i will surely break, as i'm leaving the one i wanna take
Monday, September 24, 2012
Maybe it's best that I have no children of my own. I ran into a situation this weekend where I reached my boiling point and it may be possible that I completely lost my cool. The morning began wonderful. She woke up after sleeping in awhile and we went about our normal routine of breakfast, playing, bathing, etc. And then, boom, 180. I don't know if I said something to make her cross, but she definitely became a handful in no time. She started to back talk me and run away when I would give her simple instructions. It escalated to the point that I finally gave her two options. One was to chill out and lose her attitude or we could pack her things and go back home early. She chose the latter so, off we went. While in the car, she continued to lash out at me and I tried to ignore it because I knew she was just trying to get a rise. When I calmly but firmly told her to quit kicking my seat and she refused, I had to pull the car over and take care of it. I felt bad. I don't like raising my voice to her. I don't like when our interactions become anything but fun but I can't help that sometimes she works my nerves and I am forced to discipline her. She wouldn't hug me bye or tell me she loved me when I was leaving her Grandfather's and that hurt my feelings. It makes me feel like I wouldn't be mentally and emotionally equipped to handle children on a daily basis so that makes me sad. :(
just hold me down by the water
Monday, September 03, 2012
The beach is coming soon. It will be soooo nice. Leaving the animals is
the hardest part for me. And the fact that Joselynn begged us to take
her on vacation too. :/ *cry* One day we'll definitely have to take her
somewhere like that. I always look forward to our visit to the beach to
get away from the phones at work, the book keeping, typing quotations,
bid packets, scheduling, reminders, receiving, billing, etc. Having
nothing to do but sit beach side all day is the most awesome gift we are
able to give ourselves every year. I count myself lucky that it's
become our routine. I have no desire to venture farther out, to the
surprising dismay of others, who don't understand why we choose to
return to the same place each year. We figure, it's great, we love it,
so why change what's already perfect!?
and everyday, there comes a song with the dawn
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
With the hurricane approaching, I suggested that we might bring in the humming bird feeder as I thought the wind might knock it down and break it. Plus, I figured that the birds would already be nesting, having sensed the sudden climate change. Well, it didn't take long for the frenzy of birds to begin outside the window wondering what in the heck just happened. We quickly filled it with fresh nectar and put it back out for them. I assumed as the wind and rain picked up over night, the birds would settle down during the day and sleep until it was all over. So when I happened to be looking out the window this morning, I was very surprised to see them carrying on through the storm, like it's just another day in paradise.