Monday, October 21, 2013
In the silence and still is when I realize what I'm missing most in life. Who would hear my words if you were gone? There's a comfort in just knowing you could be in the next room. I walk in circles realizing that it's been quite awhile since I've last walked towards you and yet, I hesitate in fear. I've got to be more brave and count my blessings, not forgetting what I've got.
bittersweet numbers and words
Friday, October 18, 2013
Counting numbers point by point. Trying to build it up to at least the thirties. Didn't know this before yesterday, well, I did, but it wasn't in the forefront. I'm in the twenties and the rest are in the teens. Yet another way I am different. Sometimes I wonder why things are so certain for me in this way and so scattered elsewhere. I talk more than I can control. My intentions are always to just say what needs to be said. There is so much time wasted on random words and phrases but the randomness is just who I am. I still cry when I'm alone and I'm thinking of my Dad. Standing at the file cabinet yesterday, I closed it and thought, my Dad isn't supposed to be gone right now. I'm still supposed to be arguing with him about things. He's still supposed to be teaching me something. Anything.
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
I wonder what makes us so different than the rest. Not complaining, just curious. I often notice the little things I had been taking for granted and thank God that I didn't lose them before I got the chance to give thanks. Life is so short and I see so many wasting it away. It's a teaching, though. It reminds me. And the reminders are a blessing.
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
22 days, 3 hours, 22 minutes & 09 seconds until summer vacation... I'm hoping all goes well with Kirk's doctor's visit on the 23rd so we can put his health scare past us and move forward with a stress free vacation.
it's not always black and white
Friday, June 21, 2013
Sometimes, I get really disappointed in the person I've become even though there are far better things I've done than I could have ever expected.
Friday, May 17, 2013
Yesterday would have been my Father's 68th birthday. It is still such a loneliness without him here. In speaking with one of my sisters last weekend, I was told that different items from my Dad's home, that have been in his possession for years, are being sold over the internet or at pawn shops to the highest bidder. These are items that were given away in good faith. My Father did not have much of anything to his name, so the few things he had meant a lot to him. I cannot express how utterly saddened this makes me and to keep from completely losing it, I have to continually remind myself that there is absolutely no way I can protect everything he had. For myself, I kept a few mementos that I know meant a lot to him and I will always cherish them. It's just incomprehensible how people can be so disrespectful and heartless.
Friday, April 26, 2013
I'd like to paint again. I miss it. Hopefully, I'll find my spark again soon...
Monday, February 25, 2013
After Daddy passed, I had a moment alone with him in his room. Through the tears, I asked him to come and visit me at my house and to do something that would let me know he was there. Since he's been gone, it hasn't really felt like he's left and I like to think it's because he's doing what I asked by staying close to me. I looked forward to having him visit in my dreams so that he could let me know he's okay and I could get some peace about his passing, but when I finally did have a dream of him (Sunday morning), I couldn't hear what he was saying because his voice was still hoarse the way it was in the hospital. When I was awoken, I was a little saddened not being able to communicate with him, but I do recall that his expression was that of happiness.
I miss you, Daddy. Please come visit me again.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
It feels like I'm not grieving at all. I should be crying more and wallowing in self pity. I should be angry and questioning everything. I should be numb. I'm none of those things. I'm kind of lost. Maybe I'm in denial that my Daddy is truly gone. Maybe it hasn't hit me yet. Maybe there's going to be a time when I'm going to notice that it's been a long time since I've seen him and get ready to leave and only then realize that he won't be at his house when I get there. Sometimes I start thinking about my Dad and I begin to cry but then I distract myself with laughter or cleaning or calling someone on the phone. I don't like thinking that he's passed. Maybe I'm just in the denial stage. It's such a weird situation to be in when you feel like you're not feeling what you're supposed to. I miss my Daddy. I know that he's gone. I realize that. But it still doesn't feel like he's really gone.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
I thought I was semi-prepared for the death of my Daddy and even now, I
have moments where I feel like I've already adjusted to it. With the
task of getting all of his affairs in order, I'm distracted from the
fact that he's really gone. I suppose in handling his things and talking
about him often, it feels like he's just off somewhere resting and I'll
be seeing him again soon. But then, I'm walking out of the funeral
home carrying what's left of him in a box... I'm holding the ashes of my
Father, in the pouring down rain, trying my best not to drop him,
trying my best not to absolutely break down before I can get to the
truck, and I then the reality of it hits me. I will not see my Daddy
again in this life, and there's absolutely no explanation for how
utterly empty my heart feels in regards to that knowledge.
I will miss him forever.