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blogging since :: 05/03/2003
there's a white flag waving where my heart is on the ground
Thursday, August 11, 2016
Maybe it's that I'm waiting for-- the fallout. I mean, you can't go through life expecting that karma won't get you in the end. I guess that's my fear after all this time, karma. Who's to say that I'm exempt? I think that's it. I am on edge all of the time because I am in constant fear of getting what's coming to me.
Tuesday, August 09, 2016
When it doesn't feel like I'm worthy and his patience has worn thin. Three steps and we're out the door trying to quell the impossible-and then it does no good. Each time believing that this time will be different and each time finding out that since I remain the common denominator, nothing will change.
Who are you anymore?
...and i'm a million different people from one day to the next
Wednesday, July 06, 2016
I suppose when it seems like in every direction you turn, there's an issue or disagreement and you find yourself in a vicious cycle of trying to balance being honest with knowing when people don't need any explanations, it's time to take a step back and re-evaluate yourself and your surroundings. And when continuing to visit the same places and talking to the same people isn't changing their behavior or your own, the only option left is to just take yourself out of the current equation, focus on moving past your weaknesses and just see what happens next.
you shoot me down but I won't fall
Wednesday, June 08, 2016
I was thinking of my Dad on Monday on the way to work. This song came on my Pandora that was a (acoustic) remake of a song that played the day I drove home from the hospital when I found out the news was not so good for him. I love it, so I was trying to sing it but then, it hit me -- like, ugh. I couldn't. I started crying. And it reminded me of something... growing up, my Dad was dealt a lot of hits in his life. Sometimes I witnessed them, other times I just heard of them, but throughout it all, he always got back up and continued to try. And the realization of how spot-on that song is for his life hit me and I was so thankful to have learned that from him. Just keep swimming, no matter what.
Tuesday, May 24, 2016
I am trying the whole "lower" carb lifestyle again. During my first attempt, I was trying to keep my intake too low so I gave up because I felt completely miserable. So now, I'm just reading packaging and trying to find things that are nutritious but also lower in carbohydrates.
So far, it has been a major headache, literally. Despite that, I'm going to try to stick with it since I know overall it's better to avoid processed foods and the symptoms are supposed to subside as my body gets used to having significantly less carbs (unhealthy ones, anyway). It's kind of fun trying to eat around the things I would typically want... the more I resist, the stronger I am getting and also notice the cravings for those unhealthy things are no longer there.
(In addition to that, I've cut out all sodas and I am drinking water as often as possible. I'm not giving up my champagne or coffee just yet though. I have to have something!)
Friday, May 13, 2016
I used the way back machine to search for something and came across your
old writings. I have often wondered how you're doing. It's been at
least ten years since we last communicated. After our falling out, I
deleted all of our history from email, our blogs were demolished for
various reasons, all connections in other social mediums were halted, so
now I have no idea how to reach you. And even if I could, I am sure
you've completely written me off and wouldn't want to hear from me
anyway. In looking back, I can see that I was just a child, an insecure
person who couldn't make the proper "adult" decisions. I can see the way
I manipulated some situations to elevate myself, even at the expense of
you. I am re-reading your writings that are still visible and I am so
very sad that we have lost touch. I am so very sorry for hurting you
and not being able to make it right.
just some things i want or need...
Thursday, May 12, 2016
a bird house for the yard. a fitbit upgrade.
a treadmill. big planters for the palm trees.
confidence to create my own crafts.
patience when i decide i'm ready for something.
the determination to see it through until the end.
taking credit for accomplishments.
Tuesday, May 10, 2016
there it is. that feeling of falling after being pushed.
too far away. and yet thoughts are spoken without words.
caring less. does it seem unreal that we were just here?
when the weight is so great in asking to be released from it.
your gravity holds me here while the weightlessness of you keeps me floating.
Monday, April 25, 2016
The foundation has been planted, now it's just a wait to see if the seeds can master the task of growing. It was sad to find that the two I left for the little one were upturned and needed further attention. Hopefully, adequate care is being given when needed and the timing is right. Watching investments grow and morph into more beautiful things is always the best pay off in the end.
Thursday, April 21, 2016
It is in the times where a pattern of grief is on repeat and taking a breath is in short supply. Each answer leads to another question that doesn't have an answer. Is it so hard to believe that someone doesn't require your time; especially when you find that you have had your fill of theirs in the first place?
So much is spent wasting itself, waiting for hours to pass to be done with it once and for all.
Give it time.
Isn't "give it time" time still spent wasted on more giving?