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blogging since :: 05/03/2003


one slip and down the hole we fall
Tuesday, August 19, 2014

I still cry nearly every day for my Dad.  I used to think as time moved further from the date he died that I would begin to feel the pain a little less.  But it seems to be going the opposite way.  Each day is just another day that takes me further away from the last time I saw him. 

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you put your hands into your head, and then smiles cover your heart
Tuesday, July 22, 2014

I know you don't understand but I just can't say anything without talking to you.  It's not that easy and I made a promise not to.  You just have to hear through my silence.  It's what's appropriate.  I need to feel missed and needed but not by you.  And I know that all the while I'm closing a door, I'm demanding others to open.  This has to be the utmost example of life's balance but it doesn't make it any less difficult to process.  When we're hanging by a thread, it's ever more easy to let go.  You have to just let go.  Even if it's the last thing you bring yourself to do, in the end, it's what's best for me and for you.

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i won't be the one to leave this in pieces
Monday, July 21, 2014

Getting this time alone to think, I realize that I'm the type of person who gives others the opportunity to affect me.  I constantly offer up the chance of someone I love making a difference in my self esteem.  Unfortunately, more times than not, I'm on the receiving end of heartache for my effort.  It's amazing how often I ask myself why I even bother.  There are a few moments where it feels like my vulnerability is worth the pain because in the end, I know I will receive something wonderful.  And I've noticed in those people, I have more greatness than all of the bad combined.

It's interesting to go back into saved drafts that I never published from years back to see just how different I am now, as opposed to then.  This was one of the times I was so caught up in "myself". I'm not even this person anymore. It's amazing how much we can grow in such a short amount of time.

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the hurt doesn't show but the pain still grows
Thursday, July 10, 2014

Grasping at straws, trying to make sense of it.  The constant struggle for balance.  Wading in shallow waters only to see the deep.  Feeling like diving in but only skimming the surface.  There is no sense in it and no distraction from the consistency of feeling like everything is the wrong choice.  Holding on to the fact that sometimes, I just have to let go.

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you won't pick me, i am just a breeze underneath your wings
Thursday, June 26, 2014

The oddest part is that her despise for me is completely without reason.  I haven't done the thing for which I was previously accused and this latest shun is completely unexplained and unwarranted.  Not to say that I am perfect, I've definitely made mistakes and still find things about myself to work on, but the latest silent tirade against me is completely out of nowhere and undeserving.   

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i've made the same mistakes but i won't this time
Tuesday, June 24, 2014

My apologies continuously hang in the air and are startled still by the lack of your presence; remaining unknown because you're no longer there.  And why should you be?  Although I've grown through this, no amount of theatrics or writing could ever be convincing enough to undo the damage.  Thankfully, my life continues on but the words I've said and things I've done are not forgotten.  There are just some acts that are unforgivable and I accept that.  The heavy burden of being a disappointment to myself is the price I have to pay for the choices I've made. 

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someone told me long ago, there's a calm before the storm
Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Music has always been a big part of my life. I get attached to certain genres... or certain artists... and have often wondered what's with the absolutes?  Why the repetitiveness until I can listen no longer?  I realized today, the why.  You know how music adds an emotional element that wouldn't otherwise be there in movies, and then the credits roll with a theme at the end?  It's sort of a parallel to life.  I gravitate to music that is helping me move through one chapter to the next, like it's the closing of the book before beginning a new adventure.  Thinking back to certain times, I can recall the memories/feelings associated with that moment through music.  It has the magical ability to capture so many sides to our lives and forever encase them within its lyric and melody.  Sometimes these are good things, other times, not so good.  But in each, through the music, there could be something to hold on to or let go with. 

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this little bluebird came looking for you
Wednesday, June 04, 2014

Dad gave me a small ceramic birdhouse years ago. It has hung under my carport for years without a single occupant.  This has always bummed me out as I love birds and the magnificent hard work they go through in building a nest. I have always loved finding nests around the house in random places but wanted a dedicated safe space to offer them.  After a couple of years, I gave up hope that we would get a visitor and so the house had just become another decoration outside.  This morning, on my way to my car, I startled a small yellow/grey bird who flew past me out into the open air. As I passed the birdhouse, I noticed it was swinging back and forth and thought it odd because it was a very still morning. Upon closer inspection, I find that my scattering little friend had actually been busy building a nest inside!  With exhilarating glee, I jumped in my car and became very still as to wait to see if she would come back. My patience paid off and my faith, once again, restored in the fact that I know my Dad is still with me. He's been on my mind a lot this week. Today is his burial and how awesome that with the help a tiny bird, he reminded me once again that he's still here.

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he stopped loving her today
Monday, June 02, 2014

Ever since we were little, Daddy told us that whenever he died, he wanted us to play a certain song at his funeral. He had a hard time letting go of our Mother once they divorced and this song expressed exactly how he felt.  At his memorial, in the whirlwind of decisions and plan making, I completely forgot about his request and we played a few other sentimental songs.  Over the past few months, I had been struggling with the decision he reluctantly made when he had to decide his wishes once he passed.  He said it would be alright to cremate him because he had this romantic idea of being scattered into the river to be ultimately washed away to the sea.  My sister's and I talked about carrying out his request but each couldn't part with the piece of him we had in our urns. Fearing that his remains would be cast out should something happen to each of us, we discussed and came to an agreement to bury him. We wanted him to have his own mark in this world.  He will meet his final resting place this Wednesday, June 4, in Evergreen Memorial Park courtesy of Seale Funeral Home. This is where my niece, Raylynn Alaine is buried, as well as her Father, Joseph Ray Hagan.  I told my sisters that it would be nice if we could all get together to take time to truly honor him by playing the songs we knew he loved.  It will be a nice private memorial for our Daddy and I know he will be looking down upon us and smiling.

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fiddle leaf ficus... peperomias... hobbit...
Tuesday, May 20, 2014

I have so many projects that I'm eager to do. I've got my Fiddle Leaf Ficus that needs a little boost.  I've been researching if it's possible to cut back bamboo leaves on the lower stalks in order for there to just be leaves at the tops - like this.  I'm awaiting feedback from a supplier who's asking a supplier about Rubella Peperomias. (I think this is my Dad's plant I've been trying to find-- forever!) **THANKS UTE**  ...I've ordered my IKEA metal kart and it's on the way for the re-design of my succulent garden. (best idea ever! -- excited!!!) There are decisions to be made for the plants I want to add to the front of my house where I just transplanted some greenery and planted Foxglove... I'm so obsessed with plants. I find myself engulfed in reading about them online and getting ideas for making plants flourish. Oh, and I need to remember to check for 20-20-20 all purpose fertilizer when I get home for my Peace Lily's. I'm hoping to get them to flower soon.  There's also a new succulent I'm ordering that's called "Hobbit". Just the name is adorable, and then look at the plant. Aww! The one I really wanted is called "Gollum" but there's no stock on that. Oh man, I've got to make a list to keep up with all of this...


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