"believe and you will find your way" - Enya
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blogging since :: 05/03/2003


time gave both darkness and dreams to you
Monday, October 27, 2014

What makes me most sad is that when I think about my Dad during his last days, he wanted to fight so badly for the chance to live. He was ready to go through the pain and discomfort of struggling for air if it meant that he could stay longer. But his body wouldn't let him do it, it gave out.  And then, there's my sister, who's body is clinging to the chance, trying its damnedest to give her something to fight for, and yet she just doesn't even try. 

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don't ever say you're on your way down
Thursday, October 16, 2014

Three down, four to go and then we will see if I can capture them.  What a task it has become.  One step at a time and then follow the steps through.  It's a bit enlightening having now seen just how long I've been clenching my hands, waiting for a move to make.  It's scary to go alone but if I don't try, nothing will be accomplished.  Perhaps, in the long run, they will forgive me.  And maybe then, I can forgive me.

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i believe that the darkness reminds us where light can be
Friday, September 19, 2014

The morning commute has become reserved for my time with the memories of my Dad.  By the time I'm in the lot, I'm wiping tears from my eyes.  There are no words to describe what it feels like having the last talk with the doctor and hearing the treatment plan turn to making you comfortable.  I keep remembering the look in his eyes when he turned to me after realizing what the doctor was saying.  He had a choice with only pick being the lesser of two evils. We both felt so alone. Me, because I was looking to him for strength and him because it's what he needed from me.  I wish that I could talk to him again.  Everything happened so fast after that day, that only now, over a year and a half later, I feel like there is so much I should have said.  I feel stuck in the last moment I had with him before the medications altered his state of mind, because I didn't say all that I so desperately wish I could say now.  My Daddy was so brave, even through his fear of dying. And I just wish he knew how absolutely proud of him I am for that.  

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one slip and down the hole we fall
Tuesday, August 19, 2014

I still cry nearly every day for my Dad.  I used to think as time moved further from the date he died that I would begin to feel the pain a little less.  But it seems to be going the opposite way.  Each day is just another day that takes me further away from the last time I saw him. 

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you put your hands into your head, and then smiles cover your heart
Tuesday, July 22, 2014

I know you don't understand but I just can't say anything without talking to you.  It's not that easy and I made a promise not to.  You just have to hear through my silence.  It's what's appropriate.  I need to feel missed and needed but not by you.  And I know that all the while I'm closing a door, I'm demanding others to open.  This has to be the utmost example of life's balance but it doesn't make it any less difficult to process.  When we're hanging by a thread, it's ever more easy to let go.  You have to just let go.  Even if it's the last thing you bring yourself to do, in the end, it's what's best for me and for you.

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i won't be the one to leave this in pieces
Monday, July 21, 2014

Getting this time alone to think, I realize that I'm the type of person who gives others the opportunity to affect me.  I constantly offer up the chance of someone I love making a difference in my self esteem.  Unfortunately, more times than not, I'm on the receiving end of heartache for my effort.  It's amazing how often I ask myself why I even bother.  There are a few moments where it feels like my vulnerability is worth the pain because in the end, I know I will receive something wonderful.  And I've noticed in those people, I have more greatness than all of the bad combined.

It's interesting to go back into saved drafts that I never published from years back to see just how different I am now, as opposed to then.  This was one of the times I was so caught up in "myself". I'm not even this person anymore. It's amazing how much we can grow in such a short amount of time.

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the hurt doesn't show but the pain still grows
Thursday, July 10, 2014

Grasping at straws, trying to make sense of it.  The constant struggle for balance.  Wading in shallow waters only to see the deep.  Feeling like diving in but only skimming the surface.  There is no sense in it and no distraction from the consistency of feeling like everything is the wrong choice.  Holding on to the fact that sometimes, I just have to let go.

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you won't pick me, i am just a breeze underneath your wings
Thursday, June 26, 2014

The oddest part is that her despise for me is completely without reason.  I haven't done the thing for which I was previously accused and this latest shun is completely unexplained and unwarranted.  Not to say that I am perfect, I've definitely made mistakes and still find things about myself to work on, but the latest silent tirade against me is completely out of nowhere and undeserving.   

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i've made the same mistakes but i won't this time
Tuesday, June 24, 2014

My apologies continuously hang in the air and are startled still by the lack of your presence; remaining unknown because you're no longer there.  And why should you be?  Although I've grown through this, no amount of theatrics or writing could ever be convincing enough to undo the damage.  Thankfully, my life continues on but the words I've said and things I've done are not forgotten.  There are just some acts that are unforgivable and I accept that.  The heavy burden of being a disappointment to myself is the price I have to pay for the choices I've made. 

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someone told me long ago, there's a calm before the storm
Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Music has always been a big part of my life. I get attached to certain genres... or certain artists... and have often wondered what's with the absolutes?  Why the repetitiveness until I can listen no longer?  I realized today, the why.  You know how music adds an emotional element that wouldn't otherwise be there in movies, and then the credits roll with a theme at the end?  It's sort of a parallel to life.  I gravitate to music that is helping me move through one chapter to the next, like it's the closing of the book before beginning a new adventure.  Thinking back to certain times, I can recall the memories/feelings associated with that moment through music.  It has the magical ability to capture so many sides to our lives and forever encase them within its lyric and melody.  Sometimes these are good things, other times, not so good.  But in each, through the music, there could be something to hold on to or let go with. 

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