I'd like to paint again. I miss it. Hopefully, I'll find my spark again soon...

After Daddy passed, I had a moment alone with him in his room. Through the tears, I asked him to come and visit me at my house and to do something that would let me know he was there.  Since he's been gone, it hasn't really felt like he's left and I like to think it's because he's doing what I asked by staying close to me.  I looked forward to having him visit in my dreams so that he could let me know he's okay and I could get some peace about his passing, but when I finally did have a dream of him (Sunday morning), I couldn't hear what he was saying because his voice was still hoarse the way it was in the hospital. When I was awoken, I was a little saddened not being able to communicate with him, but I do recall that his expression was that of happiness.

I miss you, Daddy. Please come visit me again.

It feels like I'm not grieving at all. I should be crying more and wallowing in self pity. I should be angry and questioning everything. I should be numb.  I'm none of those things. I'm kind of lost. Maybe I'm in denial that my Daddy is truly gone. Maybe it hasn't hit me yet. Maybe there's going to be a time when I'm going to notice that it's been a long time since I've seen him and get ready to leave and only then realize that he won't be at his house when I get there. Sometimes I start thinking about my Dad and I begin to cry but then I distract myself with laughter or cleaning or calling someone on the phone. I don't like thinking that he's passed. Maybe I'm just in the denial stage. It's such a weird situation to be in when you feel like you're not feeling what you're supposed to. I miss my Daddy. I know that he's gone. I realize that. But it still doesn't feel like he's really gone.

I thought I was semi-prepared for the death of my Daddy and even now, I have moments where I feel like I've already adjusted to it.  With the task of getting all of his affairs in order, I'm distracted from the fact that he's really gone. I suppose in handling his things and talking about him often, it feels like he's just off somewhere resting and I'll be seeing him again soon.  But then, I'm walking out of the funeral home carrying what's left of him in a box... I'm holding the ashes of my Father, in the pouring down rain, trying my best not to drop him, trying my best not to absolutely break down before I can get to the truck, and I then the reality of it hits me. I will not see my Daddy again in this life, and there's absolutely no explanation for how utterly empty my heart feels in regards to that knowledge.

Born 05/16/1945
Died 02/07/2013

I will miss him forever.

your letter was entirely too dramatic. your not "allowed" to forward documents? really? apparently, you're "allowed" to open an envelope not addressed to you, though.  get over yourself and your stupid bar coded envelope. it's not the end of the world. plus, if you want to get completely technical about it, i used my own stamp, thus, your company did not lose any money, so cry me a river. 

It can't be said enough. I'm genuinely sorry. I knew that I had one over on you and yet, I pretended to play dumb about it.  You were right. I was like a vicious heartless snake who only cared about my ego. I was too wrapped up in my own insecurity and craved the attention I received that I accepted it even when I was fully aware that it would be at your expense.  There is nothing I can do to reverse my actions, only to make better choices in the future.  I am truly lucky considering I have been where you are but was dealt a better hand of cards.  Sometimes I struggle with guilt over it, while other times, I continue to try to excuse it. I know that I would never revisit the same scenario and it is my hope that somehow, you've been kinder than me and have found it in your heart to offer forgiveness. I don't want my waywardness to be your last impression because that is truly not who I am.

Maybe it's best that I have no children of my own. I ran into a situation this weekend where I reached my boiling point and it may be possible that I completely lost my cool. The morning began wonderful. She woke up after sleeping in awhile and we went about our normal routine of breakfast, playing, bathing, etc. And then, boom, 180. I don't know if I said something to make her cross, but she definitely became a handful in no time. She started to back talk me and run away when I would give her simple instructions. It escalated to the point that I finally gave her two options. One was to chill out and lose her attitude or we could pack her things and go back home early. She chose the latter so, off we went. While in the car, she continued to lash out at me and I tried to ignore it because I knew she was just trying to get a rise. When I calmly but firmly told her to quit kicking my seat and she refused, I had to pull the car over and take care of it. I felt bad. I don't like raising my voice to her. I don't like when our interactions become anything but fun but I can't help that sometimes she works my nerves and I am forced to discipline her. She wouldn't hug me bye or tell me she loved me when I was leaving her Grandfather's and that hurt my feelings. It makes me feel like I wouldn't be mentally and emotionally equipped to handle children on a daily basis so that makes me sad. :(

The beach is coming soon. It will be soooo nice. Leaving the animals is the hardest part for me. And the fact that Joselynn begged us to take her on vacation too. :/ *cry* One day we'll definitely have to take her somewhere like that. I always look forward to our visit to the beach to get away from the phones at work, the book keeping, typing quotations, bid packets, scheduling, reminders, receiving, billing, etc. Having nothing to do but sit beach side all day is the most awesome gift we are able to give ourselves every year. I count myself lucky that it's become our routine. I have no desire to venture farther out, to the surprising dismay of others, who don't understand why we choose to return to the same place each year.  We figure, it's great, we love it, so why change what's already perfect!?

With the hurricane approaching, I suggested that we might bring in the humming bird feeder as I thought the wind might knock it down and break it. Plus, I figured that the birds would already be nesting, having sensed the sudden climate change. Well, it didn't take long for the frenzy of birds to begin outside the window wondering what in the heck just happened.  We quickly filled it with fresh nectar and put it back out for them.  I assumed as the wind and rain picked up over night, the birds would settle down during the day and sleep until it was all over.  So when I happened to be looking out the window this morning, I was very surprised to see them carrying on through the storm, like it's just another day in paradise.