"believe and you will find your way" - Enya
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blogging since :: 05/03/2003


to you, anonymously
Friday, December 12, 2014

if you spend your life waiting for things to be handed to you, then you've only spent your life waiting.

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other side of words
Saturday, December 06, 2014

Then there's the other side of your words.  The ones that imply that I think I am better than everyone else because I am a success.  I didn't always make wise choices and I've had my fair share of heart break but I learned as best I could and actively tried to pursue a future that didn't include making the same mistakes again.  I never claimed to be perfect, nor do I claim to hold any accomplishment titles that you do not.  I just try to live my life in the most productive fashion I can muster and along the way, I help out when I can.  Deep down, I understand that your projections onto me stem from a place of misguided anger and resentment but you have to know that by making me feel rejected because I am doing alright for myself, it only pushes me further away from you.

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Way back in July of 2008
Friday, December 05, 2014

Recently, I had to take my dog in to see the veterinarian for her yearly checkup.  Due to recent events and changes made by the service provider, there are far more patients coming into the facility which tends to make me uncomfortable because of my dog's disposition.  She keeps to herself and feels very threatened by anyone or anything that approaches her.  When you are in a small confined area and a dog is on the leash, the anxiety is intensified.  I just wanted to get out of there as quick as possible as to avoid any sort of confrontation. 
 
As we are waiting to check out, there are five other people in the waiting area with animals.  Two being really large dogs that kept wanting to come over and see us.  While I was able to keep my dog very close to me, the owner of the large dogs proceeded to tell me that his dogs were not a threat and I shouldn't worry.  I told him that may be true but my dog is very mean and would try to bite them.  Out of consideration, he pulled back his dogs but his Mother said "Well, she may bite them but I can tell you they would kill her in one swoop."  
 
While I didn't quite know what to say in response because my slight anxiety quickly became sheer panic due to a traumatic event that previously took place with the puppy I had before, I didn't even get a chance to muster up a word because another person standing nearby wanted to hear more about this dog's "swoop".  There was something said about pouncing and banging down on concrete and all the while my grip on Shea's leash grew tighter.  Eventually, the son spoke up and told his mom that she was exaggerating and the story she was recounting about her dog killing another animal was simply not true.  She countered with "Well, that's what I heard they do." Okay then. Thanks for scaring the hell out of me.  
 
What people need to realize is that while your animal may be kind and loving and you think it wouldn't hurt anyone or anything, you can't completely guarantee that.  And if someone tells you they are uncomfortable, it is your responsibility to make them feel comfortable.  You can never be sure how animals will react with each other or even how they always will react to you.

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time gave both darkness and dreams to you
Monday, October 27, 2014

What makes me most sad is that when I think about my Dad during his last days, he wanted to fight so badly for the chance to live. He was ready to go through the pain and discomfort of struggling for air if it meant that he could stay longer. But his body wouldn't let him do it, it gave out.  And then, there's my sister, who's body is clinging to the chance, trying its damnedest to give her something to fight for, and yet she just doesn't even try. 

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don't ever say you're on your way down
Thursday, October 16, 2014

Three down, four to go and then we will see if I can capture them.  What a task it has become.  One step at a time and then follow the steps through.  It's a bit enlightening having now seen just how long I've been clenching my hands, waiting for a move to make.  It's scary to go alone but if I don't try, nothing will be accomplished.  Perhaps, in the long run, they will forgive me.  And maybe then, I can forgive me.

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i believe that the darkness reminds us where light can be
Friday, September 19, 2014

The morning commute has become reserved for my time with the memories of my Dad.  By the time I'm in the lot, I'm wiping tears from my eyes.  There are no words to describe what it feels like having the last talk with the doctor and hearing the treatment plan turn to making you comfortable.  I keep remembering the look in his eyes when he turned to me after realizing what the doctor was saying.  He had a choice with only pick being the lesser of two evils. We both felt so alone. Me, because I was looking to him for strength and him because it's what he needed from me.  I wish that I could talk to him again.  Everything happened so fast after that day, that only now, over a year and a half later, I feel like there is so much I should have said.  I feel stuck in the last moment I had with him before the medications altered his state of mind, because I didn't say all that I so desperately wish I could say now.  My Daddy was so brave, even through his fear of dying. And I just wish he knew how absolutely proud of him I am for that.  

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one slip and down the hole we fall
Tuesday, August 19, 2014

I still cry nearly every day for my Dad.  I used to think as time moved further from the date he died that I would begin to feel the pain a little less.  But it seems to be going the opposite way.  Each day is just another day that takes me further away from the last time I saw him. 

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you put your hands into your head, and then smiles cover your heart
Tuesday, July 22, 2014

I know you don't understand but I just can't say anything without talking to you.  It's not that easy and I made a promise not to.  You just have to hear through my silence.  It's what's appropriate.  I need to feel missed and needed but not by you.  And I know that all the while I'm closing a door, I'm demanding others to open.  This has to be the utmost example of life's balance but it doesn't make it any less difficult to process.  When we're hanging by a thread, it's ever more easy to let go.  You have to just let go.  Even if it's the last thing you bring yourself to do, in the end, it's what's best for me and for you.

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i won't be the one to leave this in pieces
Monday, July 21, 2014

Getting this time alone to think, I realize that I'm the type of person who gives others the opportunity to affect me.  I constantly offer up the chance of someone I love making a difference in my self esteem.  Unfortunately, more times than not, I'm on the receiving end of heartache for my effort.  It's amazing how often I ask myself why I even bother.  There are a few moments where it feels like my vulnerability is worth the pain because in the end, I know I will receive something wonderful.  And I've noticed in those people, I have more greatness than all of the bad combined.

It's interesting to go back into saved drafts that I never published from years back to see just how different I am now, as opposed to then.  This was one of the times I was so caught up in "myself". I'm not even this person anymore. It's amazing how much we can grow in such a short amount of time.

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the hurt doesn't show but the pain still grows
Thursday, July 10, 2014

Grasping at straws, trying to make sense of it.  The constant struggle for balance.  Wading in shallow waters only to see the deep.  Feeling like diving in but only skimming the surface.  There is no sense in it and no distraction from the consistency of feeling like everything is the wrong choice.  Holding on to the fact that sometimes, I just have to let go.

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