Mornie utulie...
Believe and you will find your way...
Mornie alantie...

- Enya
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blogging since :: 05/03/2003

these hands had to let it go free and this love came back to me
Thursday, July 30, 2015

You were on the stairs not concerned for my feelings.  My heart was breaking and you kept on with your conversation like nothing was wrong.  When he offered to take me home, I felt like ending it all contemplating how the pain would surely stop with one step to the highway.  Instead we drove and he went on about how I'm better off because you weren't being faithful anyway.  That night was one of the hardest nights for me and I never thought I'd get over it.  As time went on, it got easier and I learned to let you go.  And then just like that, without prompting, you were back.  You didn't realize what you had until I was gone. And then we kept going and now here we are.  I am truly the luckiest to know that no matter what, you now have my back. Thank you for loving me the way you do. I could never do any better than you.

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i want to be pushed aside so let me go
Tuesday, July 28, 2015

I still don't know what to think about the lot of it.  You never reach out anymore, which is a relief because I always felt put on the spot, but at the same time, it's a frustration because it makes me think you still believe I did something that I didn't.  The saddest thing is that a wedge has been placed between innocent people over a supposed event that never even took place. I don't step forward because I believe you still hold fast to the untruth and for that, you are content to stay put as well. But it's all irrelevant anyway because even if you did ask to being again, I'd decline. I just don't trust that you would really allow yourself to be genuine.  



one day at a time
Monday, July 27, 2015

Day eight and it's going well.  Making cuts where I can to stay on track.  Decided to give myself one day to be a little less strict and for this week, that was yesterday. I did great and I'm feeling good about the upcoming week.



Friday, July 24, 2015

Happy "One Decade" to my little Joss. <3



i'm not gonna fall down today, instead I will buckle my knees and sway
Monday, June 22, 2015

Even though it all was said, it feels like your goal was accomplished anyway. Your projections were spewed at me before I could close my ears.  You feel like you've won because in my anger, I chose the wrong words.  And it's not even that I want to win to begin with, I just want to be removed from the equation.  The history is held against me as if we're both stuck in it.  And the fact that I've moved on means nothing to you because you still see it your way.  Maybe I didn't say what I wanted to say but perhaps it was enough to be rid of this spinning wheel once and for all.



it came on like a hurricane
Monday, December 22, 2014

You think you're prepared for something and then it hits you like a gale-force wind, knocking you down into absolute utter misery.



to you, anonymously
Friday, December 12, 2014

if you spend your life waiting for things to be handed to you, then you've only spent your life waiting.



other side of words
Saturday, December 06, 2014

Then there's the other side of your words.  The ones that imply that I think I am better than everyone else because I am a success.  I didn't always make wise choices and I've had my fair share of heart break but I learned as best I could and actively tried to pursue a future that didn't include making the same mistakes again.  I never claimed to be perfect, nor do I claim to hold any accomplishment titles that you do not.  I just try to live my life in the most productive fashion I can muster and along the way, I help out when I can.  Deep down, I understand that your projections onto me stem from a place of misguided anger and resentment but you have to know that by making me feel rejected because I am doing alright for myself, it only pushes me further away from you.



Way back in July of 2008
Friday, December 05, 2014

Recently, I had to take my dog in to see the veterinarian for her yearly checkup.  Due to recent events and changes made by the service provider, there are far more patients coming into the facility which tends to make me uncomfortable because of my dog's disposition.  She keeps to herself and feels very threatened by anyone or anything that approaches her.  When you are in a small confined area and a dog is on the leash, the anxiety is intensified.  I just wanted to get out of there as quick as possible as to avoid any sort of confrontation. 
As we are waiting to check out, there are five other people in the waiting area with animals.  Two being really large dogs that kept wanting to come over and see us.  While I was able to keep my dog very close to me, the owner of the large dogs proceeded to tell me that his dogs were not a threat and I shouldn't worry.  I told him that may be true but my dog is very mean and would try to bite them.  Out of consideration, he pulled back his dogs but his Mother said "Well, she may bite them but I can tell you they would kill her in one swoop."  
While I didn't quite know what to say in response because my slight anxiety quickly became sheer panic due to a traumatic event that previously took place with the puppy I had before, I didn't even get a chance to muster up a word because another person standing nearby wanted to hear more about this dog's "swoop".  There was something said about pouncing and banging down on concrete and all the while my grip on Shea's leash grew tighter.  Eventually, the son spoke up and told his mom that she was exaggerating and the story she was recounting about her dog killing another animal was simply not true.  She countered with "Well, that's what I heard they do." Okay then. Thanks for scaring the hell out of me.  
What people need to realize is that while your animal may be kind and loving and you think it wouldn't hurt anyone or anything, you can't completely guarantee that.  And if someone tells you they are uncomfortable, it is your responsibility to make them feel comfortable.  You can never be sure how animals will react with each other or even how they always will react to you.



time gave both darkness and dreams to you
Monday, October 27, 2014

What makes me most sad is that when I think about my Dad during his last days, he wanted to fight so badly for the chance to live. He was ready to go through the pain and discomfort of struggling for air if it meant that he could stay longer. But his body wouldn't let him do it, it gave out.  And then, there's my sister, who's body is clinging to the chance, trying its damnedest to give her something to fight for, and yet she just doesn't even try. 



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