Friday, May 13, 2016
I used the way back machine to search for something and came across your
old writings. I have often wondered how you're doing. It's been at
least ten years since we last communicated. After our falling out, I
deleted all of our history from email, our blogs were demolished for
various reasons, all connections in other social mediums were halted, so
now I have no idea how to reach you. And even if I could, I am sure
you've completely written me off and wouldn't want to hear from me
anyway. In looking back, I can see that I was just a child, an insecure
person who couldn't make the proper "adult" decisions. I can see the way
I manipulated some situations to elevate myself, even at the expense of
you. I am re-reading your writings that are still visible and I am so
very sad that we have lost touch. I am so very sorry for hurting you
and not being able to make it right.
just some things i want or need...
Thursday, May 12, 2016
a bird house for the yard. a fitbit upgrade.
a treadmill. big planters for the palm trees.
confidence to create my own crafts.
patience when i decide i'm ready for something.
the determination to see it through until the end.
taking credit for accomplishments.
Tuesday, May 10, 2016
there it is. that feeling of falling after being pushed.
too far away. and yet thoughts are spoken without words.
caring less. does it seem unreal that we were just here?
when the weight is so great in asking to be released from it.
your gravity holds me here while the weightlessness of you keeps me floating.
Monday, April 25, 2016
The foundation has been planted, now it's just a wait to see if the seeds can master the task of growing. It was sad to find that the two I left for the little one were upturned and needed further attention. Hopefully, adequate care is being given when needed and the timing is right. Watching investments grow and morph into more beautiful things is always the best pay off in the end.
Thursday, April 21, 2016
It is in the times where a pattern of grief is on repeat and taking a breath is in short supply. Each answer leads to another question that doesn't have an answer. Is it so hard to believe that someone doesn't require your time; especially when you find that you have had your fill of theirs in the first place?
So much is spent wasting itself, waiting for hours to pass to be done with it once and for all.
Give it time.
Isn't "give it time" time still spent wasted on more giving?
i'm in here, can anybody see me?
Thursday, January 14, 2016
The way we affect and are affected by each other is very interesting to me. I find myself in a constant dialogue with peers trying to gain insight into how they perceive something. Sometimes I'm intrigued to know how they are relating to what I'm actively saying. I can be discussing nothing of any importance and still feel the urge to inquire as to how my thoughts are being received. It often has a semblance of complete misinterpretation and I am left feeling un-interestingly introverted and often times fervently vulnerable.
i was reminiscing just the other day...
Wednesday, December 23, 2015
The thing I'll remember most is that there will always be a lot of remembering to do.
through the circle, fast and slow
Thursday, October 29, 2015
Nothing and then everything. Should I stand back or step up? Asking outright did not accomplish anything. Where you stand, I honestly don't know. Fickle like a fire in the wind. And I really don't know what to make of it all. The hours are closing in and then this will fade away and I can't help but wonder, where will that leave us?
these hands had to let it go free and this love came back to me
Thursday, July 30, 2015
You were on the stairs not concerned for my feelings. My heart was breaking and you kept on with your conversation like nothing was wrong. When he offered to take me home, I felt like ending it all contemplating how the pain would surely stop with one step to the highway. Instead we drove and he went on about how I'm better off because you weren't being faithful anyway. That night was one of the hardest nights for me and I never thought I'd get over it. As time went on, it got easier and I learned to let you go. And then just like that, without prompting, you were back. You didn't realize what you had until I was gone. And then we kept going and now here we are. I am truly the luckiest to know that no matter what, you now have my back. Thank you for loving me the way you do. I could never do any better than you.
i want to be pushed aside so let me go
Tuesday, July 28, 2015
I still don't know what to think about the lot of it. You never reach out anymore, which is a relief because I always felt put on the spot, but at the same time, it's a frustration because it makes me think you still believe I did something that I didn't. The saddest thing is that a wedge has been placed between innocent people over a supposed event that never even took place. I don't step forward because I believe you still hold fast to the untruth and for that, you are content to stay put as well. But it's all irrelevant anyway because even if you did ask to being again, I'd decline. I just don't trust that you would really allow yourself to be genuine.